He Shouldn't Have Asked
by lauren-hime
Summary: Shikamaru asks Naruto why Sai calls him 'Dickless'.


**Warnings:** Lots of penis talk. Not particularly gay though.

**A/N****:** Wow this is a really stupid fic. There's really nothing else for me to say.

**He Shouldn't Have Asked**

"So why does Sai call you 'Dickless', anyway?" Shikamaru asked, looking down at Naruto's penis in a completely non-sexual manner.

The Hokage had assigned the lazy jounin on an escort mission to Tea Country with Team Kakashi due to Sakura, along with nearly all the medic-nin, being on emergency call at the hospital. In lieu of Akatsuki's defeat nine months ago, Konoha's pregnancy rate quadrupled. Apparently there was nothing like peace on earth to inspire screwing like bunnies. Why five of Konoha's best shinobi were required for a borderline B-rank mission (due to the fact that the client was somehow related to the Daimyo) was beyond Shikamaru's comprehension. Fatalistically, he wondered if it was because someone was planning a coup while they were away, and that the team would return to some sort of BDSM, Amazon society with Anko as Hokage, flanked by Ino, Sakura and Tenten. Incidentally, this happened to be Shikamaru's biggest fear.

The mission, in any case, was completed with relative un-troublesomeness, strangely enough. Well, it was un-troublesome if you discounted Kakashi corrupting their client's preteen son with copies of Icha Icha Paradise, Yamato scaring the living hell out of the son with his face when warning about the dangers of excessive masturbation, Naruto somehow mending a five-year rift with the client and his sixteen-year-old daughter through impassioned speeches on the importance of family (gaining an unnoticed crush – from the daughter, not the client … this time anyway) and Sai painting the client a picture of said daughter doing Naruto in the butt with a massive strap-on.

Okay, so the mission had been troublesome, but at least it was over. Now the team was taking a break at natural hot springs near the border of Fire Country.

He and Naruto had decided to go ahead and soak while the rest of the team did a bit of sightseeing. The whole time, Naruto wouldn't shut up and relax as he babbled about his plans for a surprise birthday party for Gaara (In Shikamaru's opinion: a Very Bad idea. Strippers coming out of a giant cake would probably prompt the Kazekage to squish them with his sand.), which is what prompted Shikamaru to ask the stupid question in the first place, hoping to change the topic.

Objectively speaking, Naruto's (unhardened, jeeze) dick was well above average in size, possibly due to the Kyuubi's influence – bigger than his own, Neji's, Lee's, Shino's or Kiba's, though smaller than Chouji's. Not that Shikamaru had a habit of looking at his peers' packages, but it happened on missions.

Naruto's face deadened at the question. Shikamaru could practically feel depression coming off of his friend in black, suicidal waves. Just as Naruto was about to morosely respond, Kakashi and Yamato walked out of the changing room.

"Yo!" Kakashi called out, while Yamato just waved.

Each of them had a foot-long dingdong dangling between their legs. What the _fuck_?! Okay, Yamato was experimented on by Orochimaru, so maybe that could explain his monster cock, but Kakashi had no excuse.

"Hey, Kakashi-sensei … Yamato-taichou," Naruto muttered sullenly as his two teachers slid into the water.

Shikamaru felt pretty sullen himself. No wonder Naruto still acted up to attract attention to himself – it's not like he could be blamed for developing an inferiority complex when being surrounded with freaks like Yamato and Kakashi! Even one of them would cause any normal guy to doubt his masculinity.

And then Sai stepped out of the changing room.

Shikamaru began to choke, violently. The pale, girly ninja's noodle was the same size as Yamato's and Kakashi's … if they were combined! It looked like a fucking third leg! There was no way that could be real, and if it was, it had to be the product of some sick surgery or forbidden jutsu. Shikamaru had always known Danzo was a disgusting fuck, but he hadn't known the extent of the man's depravity.

"Hey, boys!" Sai called out as he skipped to them, his gigantic schlong flopping about like a live salmon.

"Drown me, please," Shikamaru begged Naruto. There were some things that could never be unseen.

The blond just shook his head sadly. "Now do you understand why I tried to bring Sasuke back?"

"With Kakashi as your sensei, I can understand why he left," Shikamaru snorted. He remembered catching a glimpse of the Uchiha's _little_ soldier once in the restroom during the Chuunin Exams.

Sai slipped in between the two of them in the bath. "What are you talking to Inchworm about, Dickless?"

"Inchworm," Shikamaru repeated hollowly.

Sometimes he really fucking hated his life.


End file.
